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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408034">All he's ever wished</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tysoftness/pseuds/tysoftness'>tysoftness</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Based on a Conan Gray Song, Best Friends, Friends to Lovers, M/M, inspired by heather, jaemin is gonna make you sad, jeno is in the closet, minor nahyuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:59:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>9,429</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27408034</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tysoftness/pseuds/tysoftness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>They have been best friends for years. Jaemin is sure of his sexual orientation, Jeno thinks he is too. Jaemin likes boys, Jeno is straight. Jaemin has fallen for his best friend. Jeno too, for the new girl.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>144</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. “I still remember, third of December”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I posted this on twitter about 3 months ago, but I've been wanting to post something here for so long, and yes I'll start with angst. I tried to correct mistakes, though I'm sure there must be some that I didn't notice. I'll be promoting my tw (@/tysoftness) and lastly, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were many times of the year that Jaemin kept locked in a special place of his heart. Months, dates, that to only think about, brought the biggest of smiles to his face.</p><p>But none of them could compare to December.</p><p>It was more than his favourite month. It was the one and only, <em>most special month</em>. And the reason wasn’t a mistery, he had simply gotten used to spend it with the Lee’s.</p><p>Five years ago. He was fifteen when in the start of December, for the first time, refused to go with his parents to Busan.</p><p>He remembers almost crying, he remembers unpacking what his mom had put inside his bag. All because he didn’t want to spend a month away from Lee Jeno, his other half, as he used to call him, his best friend.</p><p>And he remembers Jeno thumbing his cheek oh-so-sweetely, seeing him walk towards his mother after, just to ask in the most mannered way Jaemin’s ever heard: <em>“Could Nana stay with my family?”</em></p><p>Jaemin had been scared to look like an indulged kid in front of the Lee’s, a troublemaker teen who was just trying to make things difficult for his parents. However, in reality, at that point Jaemin didn't know he was already adored maybe as much as a son by them. Jeno and him having been friends for two years, with constant visits until late nights. It only took an adult talking for Jaemin to spend his first December with Jeno’s family.</p><p>That’s how every December became the bestest month of each year.</p><p>Although, there’s a huge difference from their first December to the one from last year.</p><p>Fifteen year old Jaemin, he considered himself a messy dilemma with the ability to walk.</p><p>Everything about him, but one thing specially that, at the time, was making his world break down in the most heavenly way: <em>He was falling for his best friend.</em></p><p>He wasn’t sure. Logically, how can a teenager like Jaemin with no experience really know about love? He knew how having a crush felt like, but with Jeno, somehow, it felt stronger than that. Profound and scarily new.</p><p>Jaemin from that time, he would tell you he was scared. Because by then, he was just starting to realise he liked boys. And why did it have to be with his best friend? The one who never shared his opinion when it came to stuff like “Isn’t this actor so attractive?”</p><p>The one who always answered with a shrug and the most uninterested grimance.</p><p>So, of course, younger Na Jaemin didn’t exactly enjoy how a simple smile from the boy could make him daydream for an entire day, nor the touches that were suddenly making him ridiculously nervous. Those that made him crave for more even if his skin burnt. It was overall new, fascinating, and again, scary for Jaemin.</p><p>Then, as mentioned, there is a difference between that Jaemin and nineteen year old Jaemin.</p><p>
  <em>Nineteen year old Jaemin was sure. He was sure he had fallen for Jeno. </em>
</p><p>That december, when they were both nineteen, he might have done the stupidest of things he’s ever done. Maybe he should have waited a little longer.</p><p>Maybe he shouldn’t have.</p><p>It was already late. Around 1 AM if his mind recalls correctly.</p><p>Mr. Lee had let them drink soju for the first time. Saying that the following year they would finally be living on their own as responsible adults in Universiry. Jaemin <strong>wishes</strong> time had stopped there.</p><p>That’s how they had ended up in Jeno’s room. A couple of bottles in hand, with the poor light of the night coming from Jeno’s window.</p><p>That night. It hurts him like hell.</p><p>The older boy was lying in bed while Jaemin tried to focus on the sky. Sitting on the same place as his feet danced with a random song from his head.</p><p>He might have been dizzy, but he wasn’t drunk.</p><p>“Aren’t you afraid of going to University?” he started, still staring outside.</p><p>“A little, but I think it’ll be fun.” Jeno replied, his fingers crossed under his neck, “Are you?”</p><p>“Yes... I’m terrified.”</p><p>He heard him chuckle quietly, causing him to instinctively turn his head.</p><p>Their eyes connected. Jeno gave him his characteristic alluring smile, the one Jaemin loved and loves the most.</p><p>“You don’t have to be. I’ll be with you, all the time.”</p><p>“But–” Jaemin hesitated, “You’ll be in a different faculty.”</p><p>“We’ll be living in the same building.”</p><p>“Still, it’s not the same.” he pronounced quietly.</p><p>Jeno straightened up, resting his back on the headboard of the bed as Jaemin only looked from his place.</p><p>“I will make it be. I’ll visit you when I’m free, I’ll look for you in lunch, I’ll ask you to meet me and study together. It will be the same, no matter how hard it seems, nothing’s gonna change. <em>You know I’d do anything for you, right?</em>”</p><p>Jeno had this thing that always managed to make the butterflies in his stomach go stupidly wild, confusing him in the process when he said words like those. But at that time, it also gave him more hope, more braveness to confess what he had been holding inside his chest. ‘Maybe one of these days’ he remembers thinking.</p><p>Jaemin nodded, feeling the cold breeze hit him, nevertheless, staying with his body exposed to the big window.</p><p>“You’re shivering.” Jeno told him, eyeing something beside him. “Wear this.”</p><p>Jaemin grabbed the item without muttering a single word.</p><p>A grey sweater. Boringly common, yet Jaemin always thought that on Jeno, it looked exaggeratedly attractive. He loved how much it smelled like the older for the uncountable times he had wore it. He loved how it wrapped Jeno’s upper body in such a captative way.</p><p>The younger took his time to slide his own body in it. His eyes not leaving the view from the window.</p><p>Jeno and him, they were almost the same height, maybe the same weight too. But the small difference in those two things were, sometimes, too easy to spot.</p><p>And this was the example. His sweater was notably looser on him than it was on the older. Even the sleeves looked longer on him, reaching the center of his palms.</p><p>Cold wind hit his face once again. He covered his face, noticing also how cold his nose was getting.</p><p>Then, seven words coming from the boy behind him, instantly and ironically, changed his face from cold to hot.</p><p>
  <em>“It looks a lot better on you.”</em>
</p><p>Lee Jeno had done this more times that Jaemin can count. Oblivious of how weak it makes Jaemin, of how fast it makes the blood run to his face.</p><p>He felt the older sitting by his side, brushing his arm, “What’s so interesting about the sky?” he said, “You always do this.”</p><p>Jaemin only hoped his blushing face didn’t look as bad as he pictured.</p><p>“I enjoy watching it.” the younger murmured.</p><p>Jeno hummed, making himself comfortable by his side.</p><p>“Remember when last year I gave you a friendship bracelet? You went to my basketball practice crying because an asshole broke it.” he mentioned, causing Jaemin to pout as he brought the memory back.</p><p>“I made that asshole suffer.”</p><p>Jeno half-smiled, “The case is, I got you something better.”</p><p>On his palm, he showed Jaemin a pair of silver rings. 'Nana' was written on one, 'JenJen' the other. The name Jaemin exclusively got to use for him.</p><p>“No one can take this from you.” Jeno added, “There’s some weeks left for christmas but I want you to have it now.”</p><p>“I love it, Jen. Thank you.” Jaemin replied, admiring the way it looked on his finger, and as Jeno only smiled at Jaemin’s contented face.</p><p>Silence was always comfortable between them. They could be together, just breathing next to each other, not pronouncing a word, and nothing would change.</p><p>However, that night, the so called silence was just pushing his thoughts to something that Jaemin from actuality describes as a memory of his heart breaking a little for the first time. He calls it a little, because maybe that’s how it started. With just a little.</p><p>What had gotten into Jaemin? Why did he think it was time? Why did he think he should let his feeling out right there and then? That Jaemin, he was oh-so-sure and definitely out of his mind.</p><p>Was it the dizziness? Was he tipsy?</p><p>He remembers thinking: I might lose him, is it the outcome I want? Then, a voice inside his head saying: Do it now. If you lose, you lose.</p><p>He doesn’t think he’s ever done something so brave yet so regretful.</p><p>“I need to tell you something.” he mumured. Nervous, impatient, nervous again, a bit hopeful too.</p><p>“Yes?” Jeno responded, turning his head to face him.</p><p>Face to face. He had Jeno’s piercings gaze directly on him.</p><p>He could have backed up. He could have. But whatever that had possessed him didn’t plan to make him stop.</p><p>He sighed, mentally preparing himself so as to not stumble over his words. He tried to focus on Jeno’s eyes, only failing everytime as his own went uneasily to the floor.</p><p>One, two, three. He mentally counted.</p><p>“I have... I– I have feeling for you.”</p><p>Not a whisper, but as low as one.</p><p>He thought his heartbeat could be heard by anyone in the house when the older showed him no expression. Then, a smile that made his eyes look smaller appeared. He wasn’t sure if that was supposed to calm him. Eventually, it didn’t, because his next words were: “Aren’t you too drunk? You’re starting to talk nonsense.”</p><p>A little scratch inside his chest.</p><p>“I’m not... drunk.”</p><p>“I think you are, Nana. Do you want to–”</p><p>“Jeno.” he cut, “I’m serious... I do.”</p><p>He had never before felt intimidated by Jeno. That night though, with his gaze closely fixed on him, he did.</p><p>“Jaem, I think you need to sleep right now, you seem very drunk. Believe me.”</p><p>“You were the first person I came out to.” Jaemin said in a wishper, “Why can’t you believe me?”</p><p>Jeno only sighed, removing a lock from the younger’s bang that fell on his eyes, “We’re best friends, you don’t like me that way. Soju is just making you say things. <em>I know you’d never try to ruin our friendship.</em>”</p><p>It became more than a scratch.</p><p>Jaemin felt his heart tighten strangely and painfully.</p><p>“Y–yeah.”</p><p>A sudden reality hit him. A big reality that only managed to hurt him more to only think about. Would that really happen? ‘I don’t want to ruin this. I don’t want to lose you.’</p><p>I don’t want to lose you.</p><p>So, as Jeno smiled again, he swallowed the knot in his throat, “Youre right... I– I should just go to sleep.”</p><p>The older pat the bed, while Jaemin tried to force a friendly grin.</p><p>He wasn’t drunk.</p><p>But he could pretend to be. And he could also pretend it didn’t hurt.</p><p>That’s what he did the very next morning, the next day, the next weeks and months.</p><p>Jaemin from now, he’s becoming an expert in it.<br/>Jaemin from now, <em>he doesn’t know how long he’ll resist. </em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. “What a sight for sore eyes”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Three months since they had started Universiry. Nothing out of ordinary.</p><p>As Jeno promised, they were meeting everyday, they had lunch together, they sometimes slept over at each other’s places, watched movies. And adding to his, they had new friends.</p><p>Jaemin thought everything was going just fine. He had even started going on dates. They never worked, but he’s not going to talk about that.</p><p>And how could they work? He kept trying to convince himself that he only saw Jeno as a friend. But every date confirmed otherwise.</p><p>That day as any other, he asked Renjun to go with him to look for Jeno after class. His faculty wasn’t as far as he thought it would be.</p><p>“I hate this place.” Renjun muttered as they leaned on the wall outside of the classroom, “They think they’re better than us.”</p><p>“No, they don’t.” Jaemin replied, rolling his eyes.</p><p>“Of course they do. I’m not blind, they always look at us as if we were weirdos.”</p><p>Jaemin chuckled, “Well, we kinda are for them. It’s not common for college students to have pink,” he said pointing at his friend’s hair, “and blue hair.”</p><p>“Well, it is common for art students because, unlike them, we do have taste.”</p><p>“True.” he responded sarcastically.</p><p>When people started coming out of the classroom, Jaemin guessed it had finished, so as normal, he walked inside with Renjun following.</p><p>He saw Jeno saving his things while other students talked to him. It made Jaemin smile unconsciously.</p><p>His friend had been popular back in school. Logically, he was also popular in here from day one.</p><p>“Nana!” he greeted with a grin on his face, to which Jaemin reciprocated, “Didn’t you say you had class at this hour?”</p><p>“Professor had an emergency.” Jaemin responded, too smiley for his own good.</p><p>“I’m great too, Jeno, thanks for asking.” a grumpy Renjun spoke.</p><p>“Oh, sorry, Mr. Renjun. I was busy talking to this person.” he said as he gently lifted the blue-haired’s chin, making Renjun visibly fed up for being ignored, but creating a blushy Jaemin. </p><p>He always did that. Personally, Jaemin hated it a little for the way it made his heart flutter. And friends shouldn’t make your heart do that, specially not friends you’re supposed to have gotten over.</p><p>A person called Jeno’s name, providing Renjun the perfect timing to strangle the blue-haired with his eyes. Jaemin didn’t want to look back at his shorter friend. He knew what it meant.</p><p>“Why do you flush with every single thing he does? We talked about this.” he mumbled in reprimanding tone.</p><p>“I wish I could control it.” Jaemin muttered back.</p><p>“Dumb bitch.”</p><p>Just as he was about to insult back, Jeno smiled at his direction. With his backpack on his shoulder, he stood by Jaemin, pronouncing a low “Let’s go.”</p><p>This one is maybe Jaemin’s worst memory.</p><p>Three steps later, and the sound of books hitting the floor drew the few people in the room’s attention.</p><p>“Oh! I’m so sorry!” a soft, feminine voice, exclaimed.</p><p>A petite girl with dark hair. She had stumbled over Jeno. Consequently, there were papers dispersed on the floor which she then, started picking up.</p><p>Before Jaemin could even react, Jeno had also crouched down to help the girl.</p><p>“I’m really sorry.” she repeated as they both stood up and Jeno handed the papers.</p><p>“It was my fault, don’t worry.”</p><p>“No, it was totally mine! I should look where I’m walking.”</p><p>Jaemin only saw as Jeno tittered innocently, “Are you in this class? I’ve never–”</p><p>“Oh no!” she cut, “I’m a fashion major, just got in last semester. I’m just helping my friend, she asked me to come for her things since she got sick.”</p><p>“That makes sense, I’m sure I would have noticed you before.”</p><p>Jaemin didn’t know why those words caused a strange sensation in him. He didn’t know what it was.</p><p>But then, a pink color appeared on her cheeks <em>and he realised.</em></p><p>“What’s your name?” Jeno asked.</p><p>“I’m Yeeun... You’re Lee Jeno, right?”</p><p>The blue-haired was glad Renjun was there. Otherwise, he would have felt completely left out. Even though, he already was a little.</p><p>“You know me?”</p><p>“I’ve seen you around.”</p><p>Renjun nudged his side, “Everything alright? Should we leave?” he susurrated.</p><p>“Mm- No.” he answered in the same tone.</p><p>“I think we should.”</p><p>“We have to wait for Jeno–”</p><p>How much of the conversation he could have missed? He’ll never know. Next thing that happened was Jeno turning around, and saying: “I’m gonna help Yeeun with the books. See you later, guys?”</p><p>Thanks to that, he confirmed. He confirmed he was jealous. He confirmed he was, and is still inlove with Jeno.</p><p>“Oh– Okay, sure.”</p><p>A last smile was all the older gave him while Jaemin was a complex mess inside.</p><p>Renjun sighed as they both saw his best friend leaving.</p><p>“For fuck’s sake, Na Jaemin. Why did you have to fall for a straight boy?”</p><p>What to answer? He felt as if he had something stuck in his throat.</p><p>“She’s pretty.” he let out.</p><p>“You know what? It’s probably just a one time thing. So let’s go eat something at Yangyang’s. Fuck Jeno, his loss. I’m sure Yang got your favourite snacks.”</p><p>A one time thing. Should that be less hurtful?</p><p>Jaemin nodded, to afterwards be quickly dragged by his friend to the dormitories.</p><p>Was it even normal to be that jealous? Lee Jeno liked girls, it was more than obvious. He didn’t stand a tiny change. Then why did he let time pass, only thinking about him? While his friends laughed about something related to the movie on the screen.</p><p>He <strong>wished</strong> he had payed attention to the movie, to his friend’s jokes.</p><p>He <strong>wished</strong> he had fallen asleep at Yangyang’s room, because that way, he wouldn’t have had to see the bright enchanted gaze that Jeno had as the girl kissed his cheek.</p><p>And he wouldn’t have had to fake empathy as Jeno told him how beautiful he thinks she is.</p><p>He wouldn’t have had to cry alone for the first time... <em>in a long time. </em></p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. “I’m not even half as pretty”</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>[Present]</p><p> </p><p>Lunch time.</p><p> </p><p>His so-many-times called before ‘favorite part of the day’. Not since Jeno started forgetting about him, about their alleged unmissable hang outs.</p><p>Renjun had said: ‘It’s probably just a one time thing’</p><p>And well, the one time thing turned into two months and going.</p><p>“Where the fuck is Jeno Lee?” Renjun asks as Yangyang sits at their table.</p><p>“How am I supposed to know?” the other answers.</p><p>“You have most of the same classes, and I’m ninety nine percent sure you shared the one before lunch together. I know you guys think you’re so smart for being engineering majors, but really, I’m not easy to fool.”</p><p>Yangyang scoffs, “My dear Injunnie, he left before the lesson ended. Why would I even try to lie about something like this?”</p><p>The blue-haired is just watching on his side, lost in his own mind as his friends bicker.</p><p>’He’s with her.’ He told himself. It’s too obvious for Jaemin now.</p><p>“What do you say, Jaem?”</p><p>Oh, he just lost track of the conversation. Again. Probably the tenth time in the week.</p><p>Jaemin frowns, then he shows Yangyang an apologetical smile, “Sorry, I wasn’t paying attention. What’s it about?”</p><p>Renjun sighs dramatically beside him, “Jaemin, stop thinking about Jeno. You’ve been so quite these days. You barely listen to us, you barely talk unless he’s here.”</p><p>“I’m sorry– I just don’t feel like talking sometimes.”</p><p>“No, you know it’s not that.”</p><p>Renjun is right. Jaemin knows, but what he doesn’t know is how to stop. How to be as energetic as when Jeno is there being his usual self. Giving him the sweetest glances and comments.</p><p>“I’m... sorry.” he repeats.</p><p>“Jaemin,” Yangyang says, “you don’t have to apologise.”</p><p>A hand on his shoulder stops the answer just about to come out of his lips. He feels so stupid for recognising the cologne, for not having to look up because he knows who it is without having to do so.</p><p>“What does my Nana doesn’t have to apologise for?” Jeno says, taking the seat in front of Jaemin.</p><p>Renjun snorts, “My Nana? You’ve lost your rights to call him that. He’s Yangyang’s and mine now.”</p><p>“Jaemin would choose me over you two.”</p><p>“Man, just shut up. Don’t you have a girlfriend to look for or something like that?” his other friend adds.</p><p>Jaemin decides to avoid hearing the rest of the conversation. He focuses on the food served in front of him. And once again, he doesn’t feel like eating.</p><p>The only things he chews to distract himself are the cherries. He tries to mute his friend’s voices, however, as much as he tries, it doesn’t seem to be working.</p><p>He takes the last cherry to his mouth, and right after, two more pairs of the fruit are placed on his plate.</p><p>Jaemin looks up, where he finds a smiley Jeno.</p><p>“Eat.” he tells him, “And the rice too.”</p><p>The blue-haired doesn’t smile back, even if he wants to.</p><p>“What’s the problem, Nana?”</p><p>“Nothing.” Jaemin responds blankly.</p><p>“Doesn’t seem like it. You know you can tell me anything.”</p><p>“Dude.” Yangyang calls, “He’s just stressed, leave him alone.”</p><p>Not true. But he nods nonetheless, mentally thanking his friend. He doesn’t want to keep talking.</p><p>“Is it homework, Jaemin? If it’s homework, I can help you.”</p><p>“You don’t have to.”</p><p>“But I want to.” Jeno replies, standing up to sit next to the younger.</p><p>It’s overwhelming to feel him so close. <em>Despite being used to it.</em></p><p>Jeno holds his hand under the table, making Jaemin unable to pronounce a word, “Why are you always so cold?” he murmurs.</p><p>Then, Jaemin’s hand is left with an empty sensation as the older grabs his backpack. Only to take out the familiar grey sweater.</p><p>The blue-haired doesn’t complain when Jeno helps him put the sweater on. Although it may look like a babyish act for his friends and whoever watching.  They normally did things like this all the time when they’re together.</p><p>A half-smile unconsciously forms on his face. Jeno chuckles softly.</p><p>“Thanks, Jenjen.”</p><p>“You’re welcome, Nana.”</p><p>It’s perhaps a little obvious for everybody except Jeno, the reason why Jaemin is suddenly smiling.</p><p>“So? Homework tonight? What do you say?”</p><p>The deadline for his assignments are still pretty intact and waiting in a long road. All his lonely nights had obligated him to do most of them already. He’s not stressed, he doesn’t need help.</p><p>Yet, he answers, “Sure, I’ll make you something yummy to pay you.”</p><p>Jeno curves his lip as a response. And as he does so, he repeats that thing that makes the blue-haired feel like melting. He takes his hands to Jaemin’s chin, slightly caressing the part with his thumb.  “That’s better. I don’t like to see you with that other sad face of yours.”</p><p>“Dude, that’s so gay.” Yangyang mentions, causing his other friend at their table to burst into laughter.</p><p>“Being affectionate with my best friend doesn’t make me gay, Yang.”</p><p>“Sure, buddy, but when he gets a boyfriend you won’t be able to do that, or say things like that to him.”</p><p>“Why not?” Jeno strikes back.</p><p>“If I had a boyfriend,” Renjun says this time, “I wouldn’t like if one of his friends acted the way you do with Jaemin.”</p><p>The brown-haired shrugs, “I don’t see the problem. Do you, Nana?”</p><p>“Mmh– no, I don’t know.”</p><p>Renjun adverts his gaze at Jaemin, making the boy know what kind of words he would tell him if Jeno wasn’t there.</p><p>His friends, they were just trying to protect him, but Jaemin doesn’t know if he wants to be protected. A few days ago, they had this conversation where they accorded that he wasn’t going to let Jeno be so ‘affectionate’ to him. The simple reason, which Jaemin found unnecessary, was: ‘So that you can finally move on, and stop hurting yourself by watching him with other person.”</p><p>Jaemin thought he understood, <em>but who’s going to convince his stubborn self?</em></p><p>“See? There’s no problem. You just have jealousy issues. My uncle is a therapist in case you need it.”</p><p>Renjun chuckles dryly, showing Jeno his middle finger.</p><p>Righ after that, he’s back inside his bubble, where Jeno only pays attention to him, where Jeno only looks at him.</p><p>Months ago they used to talk everyday, not skipping a single one. Whereas now, the only times Jaemin sees him is when they walk to University. Or in days like these when he decides to show up at lunch break.</p><p>So, reasonably, Jaemin is enjoying the warmth Jeno’s hand provides his own. He can’t stop smiling while Jeno tells them about something that happened during class.</p><p>It seems like hours pass just being there, although they were probably just minutes.</p><p>He was fully emerged in a story Yangyang had just started to tell while making exaggerated facial expressions, causing giggles, even gasps of surprise. That’s until he notices his best friend’s attention going <em>somewhere else.</em></p><p>Jaemin wonders, why does he looks so mesmerized?</p><p>And he follows the direction his eyes are fixed on, only to hurt himself.</p><p><em>She</em> was there, talking to her friends three tables ahead of them. Jaemin thinks he can’t blame him. Yeeun looks stunning, a bright smile that truly complements her face, fair skin with soft-looking hair, a top that lets her tiny waist show. She moves so delicately, Jaemin isn’t delicate at all. She could be compared to a beautiful doll, <em>Jaemin thinks he could never be attractive enough. </em></p><p>His own thoughts, and how the next thing she does is wave and smile at Jeno, produces a inexplicable thing in him. Like how he would love to make her disappear.</p><p>Selfishness, possessiveness, jealousy. Was it any of those? Or was it just his poor heart opening a little for the wound?</p><p>“I’ll see you tomorrow, guys!” it’s what Jeno says, motioning to get up.</p><p>“Are you coming tonight?” Jaemin rapidly lets out, quietly and a little timid, “You said you were gonna help me.”</p><p>“Of course, Nana, I’ll be there, I promise.”</p><p>The younger nods, and with that, his best friend walks away to her table.</p><p>“Jeez,” Yangyang sighs, “You are really a masochist, aren’t you?”</p><p>“If you come to my room crying one of these days, I’m gonna punch him in the face.” his other friends affirms.</p><p>But Jaemin doesn’t reply, he can’t leave the image a few meters in front oh him. Jeno and Yeeun. Maybe he is a masochist after all.</p><p>He looks down at the cherries the brown-haired left on his plate. But what comes to his mind isn’t related to the fruit at all.</p><p>He starts to believe that maybe, if Jeno was mean to him, it wouldn’t hurt to let him go when he chooses to. If only he could break his heart once for all, instead of doing it step by step, little by little, in the slowest, agonising pace. It would be better.</p><p>Because he could never have Jeno stare at him with such loving eyes. He could never put his hand on his shoulder and make his eyes look even more beautiful with that smile, just like she is doing right now. Because <strong><em>as much as he wished</em></strong>, as much as he dreamed, <em>he isn’t Yeeun</em>.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. "But you like her better"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Jeno promises something, Jaemin knows it’s serious. More than five years of friendship was enough to assure everybody, specially him.  So when his eyes felt heavy and he looked at his watch, it didn’t make sense. </p><p>Almost midnight, yet no sign of Jeno. </p><p> </p><p>He decided to message him, but Jeno didn’t even left him on read. That’s not something he does, at least no to Jaemin. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Jen, can you bring ice cream if you’re still out?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>8:00 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Jeno?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>8:30 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“It’s okay if you forgot, and it’s late for ice cream so don’t buy it haha.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>8:45 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“You’re not answering your phone, is there something wrong?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>9:00 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Jeno??”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>10:05 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“It’s so late but if you’re still coming you can sleep here.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>10:30 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Are you still coming?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>10:35 PM</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I guess you’re not.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>12:00 AM </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>The last text he sends, makes him mad at himself. </p><p>After all, what he tried to do is dragging Jeno with him, using  a white lie just to keep disguising the reality, the reality that he fears to say out loud. But what makes him more mad at himself is his will to stay awake in case Jeno knocks on his door at any time, even if his eyes start to close by its own of how sleepy he is. </p><p> </p><p>He lives two doors from his room, so by now, he’s sure that if Jeno was there, he would have noticed him pass a while ago while he was constantly checking. He decides to get up and check <em>just one more time. </em></p><p>It’s 12:30 when he looks at the screen of his phone. And as he’s just steps apart from his door, he hears voices outside. One that he recognises too well. </p><p>He waits some minutes and is discrete to open the door. His eyes then, impulsively go to his best friend’s room. </p><p> </p><p><em>They</em> were there. Jeno trying to get the key inside the lock. Yeeun clinging clumsily on him. </p><p>She seemed to have drunk more than she should, kissing Jeno’s face as he tells her to stop. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Yeah, he forgot. Or maybe he didn’t, just had more important things to do, like being with Yeeun. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Oh to hurt yourself with your own indagations. </p><p>Finally, he opts to enter his own room again. </p><p>He covers his body with his duvet, counting mentally a sequence of numbers just to distract himself. Nevertheless, he doesn’t even make it to seven when tears escape his eyes. </p><p>In the right side of his chest, he feels what he can only describe as a dull ache. A dull ache that won’t prevent his eyes from watering and wet his pillow. </p><p>It could be the pile of emotions rolled up, tormenting him inside, or the simply image from minutes ago, or the multiple memories where Jeno appears and makes him feel loved. But not loved like the way he wants, the way he loves Yeeun. </p><p>It’s not the fact that he’s never seen him with someone else. When they were younger and went to those secret parties their classmates would make, he, more than once, saw Jeno leaving with different girls. He always appeared again by his side again after one or two hours. </p><p>And it always felt like a pinch to his heart that would heal once Jeno came back to him.</p><p>But he never looked at them like the way he looks at <em>her</em>. It makes it harder for Jaemin to recharge now. </p><p>Right there, in his bed, they all become cutting memories that hurt his chest. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>‘Why?’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Why?’</em>
</p><p>
  <em>‘Why?’ he repeats, in spite of knowing the answers to all his indirectly asked questions. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>And he doesn’t know how long he spent staring at the <em>friendship ring </em>on his finger, when he felt asleep, nor when the lonely night turned into a new day. His reddish, puffy eyes, make sure to remind him of last night as he enters his bathroom. </p><p>It’s another day where he must pretend that he’s not affected by being shoved aside, that he doesn’t have one sided feelings for his best friend. </p><p>He’s getting dressed when his door being knocked catches his attention, causing him to hurry. </p><p> </p><p>Today, he was sure Jeno wasn’t going to walk with him to his first class. He obviously had more important things, a more important person, to assist. </p><p>So as he opens the door, he’s the last person he imagines to be there. Unfortunately, for his weak state, it’s him. </p><p>And he doesn’t receive him with his welcoming smile. Jeno has a blank expression that seems to want to erase him from earth. </p><p>Jaemin thinks he could start to tremble of how cold, angry, indifferent, Jeno looks. </p><p> </p><p>“Morning, Jen.” he says nonetheless, “Do you want to come in?” </p><p>That’s precisely what Jeno does. Pushing his shoulder coarsely as he passes by him. </p><p>Jaemin only stays frozen when he turns around, watching Jeno look into his closet. As if Jaemin had hidden a prohibited object. </p><p>“Do you, uhm– Do you need anything?” he dares to ask.</p><p>But he’s ignored again. And he lets more anguishing minutes go on before he hears him finally speaks, rudely, not the usual him. “Where the fuck is my sweater?” </p><p>
  <em>‘Is it because of his sweater? That’s all? He’s never done this before.’ </em>
</p><p>“Oh, sorry. I didn’t see you yesterday so I couldn’t give it back.” Jaemin replies, walking to one of the drawers under his closet. “Here.” he mumbles, handing the garment to Jeno. </p><p>He’s seen Jeno upset before, at himself, at his parents, at his sister, but never at him. That’s what he perceives as he takes the sweater from him. He’s angry, otherwise he wouldn’t have had grabbed it so roughly that Jaemin felt like a small kid about to be yelled at, about to cry. </p><p>“I don’t want you to take my things anymore.” Jeno pronounces in a dry tone. </p><p>“I didn’t– You gave it to me.” </p><p>There’s a tiny second that feels eternal. Jeno gazing at him as if he had a million things to say, as if he was saying them with his eyes, and his eyes were full of anger. </p><p>“Start taking your own shit when you’re out. I’m not your fucking babysitter.” </p><p>His tone and his words make him frown. Where was <em>his Jeno? </em>Who was the man in front of him? </p><p>“I’ve never made you take care of me and you know it. You don’t even apologise for standing me up but you come and yell at me without reason.” Jaemin responds, as firm as he can. </p><p>“I was busy, you know people have lives?” </p><p>“Yeah, you shouldn’t have promised anything then.”</p><p>Jaemin wants him to go. He’s really clueless of where the argument is going. He doesn’t want it to continue. Specially because he doesn’t know what to answer to his next crushing words. “I just felt sorry for you. But I don’t see the point in pleasing<em> every fucking thing you want.”</em> </p><p>It felt like one of those dreams where you can’t wake up. So real that he can swear he hears his heart getting weaker with every beat, in the most tremulous way. </p><p>“Okay... you should go, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you today.” </p><p>“Me?” Jeno scoffs, “This is all your fault. You’re <em>ruining</em> my life.” </p><p>The second time that the word ‘ruin’ provokes a sour feeling in him. </p><p>With his voice as low as a whisper, in the verge of breaking, he asks, “I’m ruining your life?”</p><p>Jeno’s eyes that were previously so determined to turn him into pieces, avoid him as he tries to connect them with his own. Like Jaemin would be able to read through them, because<em> oh how unbelievable</em> it is for him to hear Lee Jeno say that. To have Jeno break him in a morning where everything should be normal and monotonous. </p><p>The alarm coming from Jeno’s phone fills the silence that he had refused to replace. </p><p>Jaemin knows how many alarms he sets, he even knows how long he lets them sound until he finally gets up. This one means they can both run away with the perfect excuse. </p><p>“I’m late for class.” Jeno says, while Jaemin is still cold in the middle of his room. </p><p>“You didn’t answer.” he tells him, deciding he needs to hear it from him again,<em> “Am I really ruining your life?” </em></p><p>“I have to go.” </p><p>“C’mmon, grow some balls and answer me.” he’s sure his voice sounds like a thin string, no matter how hard he tries. </p><p>With his hand in the doorknob, Jeno turns around, different from Jaemin’s, his voice is hoarse and steady, “Yes, you are. Is it surprising to hear?” </p><p>“Fuck you.” Jaemin whispers, even though both of them can hear it clearly. </p><p>His eyes begin to mist over, and he does the last thing he ever thought he would do. He takes off the ring from his finger, to then throw it at Jeno. </p><p>“That’s yours too.” he exclaims.</p><p>The ring that hit Jeno’s chest and fell to the floor is now in his hand, and he’s still standing there for what it seems like ages to Jaemin.</p><p>“So we’re doing this?”</p><p>“What else did you expect? You were very clear.”</p><p>The hesitation on Jeno makes Jaemin feel like he won’t be able to hold back the tears that burn his eyes. So with a brittle voice, he mumbles, “Please, leave.” </p><p>“It’s yours, Jaemin.” </p><p>“I don’t want to have it!” </p><p>The blue-haired isn’t capable of looking up anymore, from there, without giving him a last glance, he repeats, “Just go.”</p><p> </p><p>As expected, the sound of the door closing is the freedom of his sore eyes. </p><p>It feels like an old memory, but it creeps him as if it was new and sudden; the time Jeno gave him the ring and told him: <em>No one can take this from you.</em></p><p> </p><p><em>'No one except for you' </em>creeps into Jaemin's mind.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. "Now I'm getting colder"</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div>
  <p>Jaemin would be lying if he said days aren’t longer, that he sees his usual routines as colourful as he always alleges to be, like a devoted artist.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Days are simply that; days. The only difference is his lack of interest towards his normal activities. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There’s a stabbing pain that seems to be hanging over him and reassures its presence when his eyes meet Jeno. He doesn’t even try, but they always find its way to him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And it’s only been two weeks of him walking home when he knows the brown-haired is long on his way, and having lunch in any other place but their self-proclaimed cafeteria. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yangyang said he’s not the same.” Renjun mentions. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They’re in the workshop. Jaemin painting on the canvas while Renjun edited something on his laptop. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The blue-haired hums, “He would say that only to make me feel better.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But he didn’t. Besides, I’ve caught him staring at you several times, you know?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I thought you wanted me to stop creating fantasies about him, yet you keep telling me these things. It’s bullshit, he doesn’t love me, why would he even look at me?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s the biggest lie you’ve told me, Nana.” Renjun states. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>‘<em>Right</em>.’ Jaemin thinks, ‘<em>I wish it was a lie.”</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>“</em>Jeno, he...” his friend continues, “I see it from miles away, he loves you. Everybody can notice.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Even if he does, Injun. It’s not in the same way.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin motions the brush in an attempt to continue concentrating on the colors of his canvas, but his friend opts to add after a couple of seconds: “Don’t you think is weird? Why would he do that all of a sudden?.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s a <em>little </em>painful to admit that he knows why, but then again,<em> has there been a day where he feels okay?</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Because he got tired of me. It’s easy.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Shut up, bluehead, no one would ever get tired of you.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin takes a deep, yet calming breath, “Can we not talk about him?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Fine... Let’s talk about my so infamous secret admirer.” Renjun proceeds with amusement in his voice.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Lee Donghyuck? He’s cute, I don’t understand why you can’t give him a chance.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He doesn’t really like me. I know him, he’s just fooling around.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The blue-haired hums, “But are you sure?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Of course I am, but anyway the reason I mentioned him is because he was telling me about this party tonight, and I think we should go.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin turns his head as to glare at the shorter, “What makes you think I’m in the mood for parties?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“C’mmon! Na Jaemin you are an attractive male, I’m sure other attractive males will be laying eyes on you, and you need it.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sure.” he says uninterested. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You know if you don’t accept, Yang is gonna make you.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“If I go I’m just gonna get sadder because I know <em>he’s</em> gonna be there too.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“That’s kind of the point.” the other mutters. And Jaemin has to drop what he’s doing. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What are you trying to do, Renjun? You and Yang told me I should get over him but now that I’m trying to, you instead try to push me closer to him?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I know, sorry. I just... see it different now.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“There’s nothing different.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jeno wouldn’t do something like that. He treated you like a prince just the day before and he said shit the other day. There’s something going on and you both need to talk.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“He...” Renjun continues, “he actually told Yangyang he wants to talk to you.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin takes some time to process the confession that had just came out of his friend’s mouth. It sounded like a secret that he had been waiting to hear for so long. And it makes him feel like breathing fresh air after being locked in an unknown place. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Also, that he was too scared to knock at your door.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin avoids replying to that. <em>He would have let him in, even if it was only to turn his heart into little peaces again. </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>For the <em>same</em> reason, the <em>same</em> pattern that functions into him when it’s about Lee Jeno, what he responds is: “I’ll go.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>..........</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>When he was younger, Jeno used to hold his hand in the most scary parts of movies, or when Jaemin felt too nervous that it was obvious for everybody. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He slowly stopped doing it in front of people. He did it under a table, or when they were alone, like it was something dangerous, seemingly forbidden. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The first time Jaemin kissed a boy and told Jeno, he had had no physical expression that could be described by the younger. It had been plainly nothing, no answer, no reaction. Jaemin never paid much attention anyway. He had been in the phase of ‘knowing and exploring himself’ and he always thought his best friend was a little close-minded in terms of it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But the main point right now is that he just realised; he has no one to hold his hand in one of the worst scenarios: Nervous Jaemin inside a house whose owner must be somewhere in the crowd, and he’s sure they’ve never met before. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>At some point he wonders:<em> Why am I doing here?</em></p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh! My besties!” Yangyang exclaims, clumping towards them. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey...” Jaemin murmurs as Renjun shakes his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re already drunk, idiot?” the shorter asks. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It’s a party, of course I am!” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin lets them have their usual <em>so friendly </em>conversation, taking his time to wander around what he can see in the house. Everybody seems to have come right after ending classes. He’s not to judge though, he didn’t change a single thing about his own outfit. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But seems like someone else did. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>A part of him knows that he was indirectly looking for Jeno in the room, yet he didn’t expect to feel his heart drop, at least not like it did, or it does. A torturing swirl has him stuck in his place, completely alone, while she’s with him, wearing his sweater. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s a stabbing sight. Jeno is a lier, <em>it looks a thousand times better on her than it ever looked on him. </em></p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>A week ago he found a bunch of his things in his room. Some books, his toothbrush, a couple of shirts. He left them all at his door. He had nothing that belonged to Jeno now, not even his ring, while she had it all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It makes him think of how much he hates her. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He swears his entire self starts to sweat when both of them walk at his direction. He <strong>wished</strong> he was allucinanting. Just how much he had been staring? </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He locks his arm with Yangyang’s as an impulsive action, causing a surprised expression on the younger. Jaemin can’t even smile. They’re right there in front of him and he’s not able to even look at Jeno. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>His eyes are static on some part of the wall meters away from him, while Jeno’s voice pronounces their names as an introduction. He’s sure he wants to disappear the moment he says his name, with his voice a little subdued, maybe uncomfortable. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh, you’re Jaemin? You’re really so beautiful!” the girl comments with a sweet, yet enthusiastic tone, “Jeno’s always talking about you! I might know you more than you know yourself.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    <em>‘I’m trying to hate you, Yeeun.’</em>
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He doesn’t think too much about what she said, instead, he focuses on attempting a smile, “Nice to meet you.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And his eyes go to Jeno as he finishes replying. Jeno and his barely noticeable reddish ears. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Art majors, right? I have a really bad a memory but I think I’ve seen you two in the central cafeteria from Faculty of Arts. You guys have the best food!”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin internally thanks Renjun for being the one to answer. He doesn’t think he can, not just for the horrible person that having to talk to her makes him feel, but because there’s a someone’s gaze creeping his nervousness. Jeno refuses to let him breathe normally. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can we talk?” he asks, cutting off the others’ chatter. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And Jaemin nods to follow him next. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>They don’t walk much longer. The music is still loud and there’s people drunk passing by. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin licks his lips as his heart beats faster. Jeno sighs before speaking. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m sorry, Nana, really, for everything I did and said. I swear it’s not true.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why did you do it?” he lets out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I can’t... I can’t explain.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why?” Jaemin repeats. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I can’t, it’s just hard for me. All friends have fights, it’s normal.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It doesn’t feel enough. It isn’t enough. Jaemin can’t just erase what made him feel miserable for hours, days, weeks. With certainty, that’s what the blue-haired wants to tell him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But then Jeno intertwines their fingers and his stupid heart only flutters as if the pieces never existed. Momentarily healing him as he’s always done. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I missed you so much, Nana. You have no idea. Would you forgive me for being the biggest idiot ever?” the brown-haired adds, tightening their hands together, a tender smile on his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Meanwhile, Jaemin <em>wished</em> he could be able to scold the ‘butterflies’ in his stomach. Why were they used to free themselves with the most minimum action?</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And they make him nod, causing two curves on Jeno’s eyes and the softest “Thank you, Nana” he’s ever heard. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Then, he takes out a necklace, partly covered by his shirt. Jaemin is surprised to discover what hangs from it. A ring with the his nickname impregnated, “Nana”.</p>
</div><div>
  <p><b><em>His ring</em></b> hanging from his neck. Jeno can definitely repair his heart the times he decides to. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“This is yours.” he affirms, gently holding his index finger to put the ring on, “We can leave together. Yeeun is going to her friend’s house. There’s a new show I want to watch with you, what do you say?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Sounds fun.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jeno lets go of his fingers to subtly dishevel his blue hair. “Tell me when you wanna go, okay?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>When his two friends get in his view, he knows where Jeno is soon leaving. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The rest of the night isn’t appealing in any way for Jaemin. The past weeks had accumulated into his head, so now he believes he’s never been more mentally exhausted. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He should he laughing, he should be happy, and probably dancing with his friends. Nevertheless, he’s standing by a table with a half empty cup. Watching as Jeno sits on a couch and as she does too, right beside him. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Watching as he passes an arm around her shoulder, as she giggles and snuggles up to him, making Jaemin realise how perfect they look together. How Jaemin would never be able to experience that type to closeness. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Hey!” someone shouts, causing him to turn his head. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“It’s the third time I call you, are you deaf or something?” a boy Jaemin doesn’t recognise says. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Can I help you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The boy clicks his tongue. Then he thinks he recalls him. Sun kissed skin and small moles on the face: Donghyuck. His classmate who always ‘bugs’ Renjun. But he knows his friend loves the attention.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I was the one offering help.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The blue-haired frowns. Was the guy drunk, or was Jaemin, in fact, incapable of hearing correctly?</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I was getting a drink and couldn’t help but notice.” he says, discretely pointing at the <em>couple</em> on the couch.  “Lee Jeno huh? To be honest, I was shocked to know he wasn’t dating you. Turns out things are a bit more dramatic. Unrequited love type of drama.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Is it too obvious?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Indeed.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I... I hate this.” Jaemin mumbles. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Why haven’t you told him?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I did, he thought I was drunk and didn’t know what I was saying.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What?” Donghyuck huffs, “If anything, being drunk only makes you say the truth. That’s what my mom told me.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>A dry, only half-smile forms on his lips, “Whatever. In what were you supposedly offering to help me before?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh, making out.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The blue-haired snorts, “Excuse me? Aren’t you into my friend?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Oh hell I am, but I just saw him kissing Wong  Yukhei and I feel like shit, so I figured, if I feel like shit and you feel like shit, why don’t we do this together?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’re crazy.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Don’t be a chicken, we both need this. Plus, you don’t have to worry, I‘m not gonna fall for you, I don’t date bottoms.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemins scoffs, “How can you just assume I am a bottom?”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I have a strong gaydar game, my dear Na.” Donghyuck says, causing Jaemin to chuckle when he winks. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You have to give me some tricks, maybe that’ll help me in the future.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Yeah, yours is very weak. I mean, falling for a straight man is the lowest thing you can do.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He sighs, maybe realising that the boy’s irrationality was sticking on him for even be considering his <em>offer</em>. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Something inside Jaemin urges him to look back at his best friend, even knowing it’s still going to hurt him the same way. Before he could do that though, the boy whom he was just sharing a conversation with, grips firmly on his wrist and with maybe four or five more steps given, he’s pushed and kissed in a blink of an eye.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The wall and Donghyuck’s lips keep him trapped, making him stay in place, but too aware of the fact that they’re doing <em><b>this</b>, right in <strong>this </strong>place, where </em>there’s a thousand students. <em>Hell, Jeno is one of them</em>. He’s there perhaps too far from him to notice, perhaps he doesn’t even care. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So with that in mind, Jaemin kisses him back. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Donghyuck is aggressive and fast, nothing like the vanilla kisses he always fantasies about with Jeno. He’s rough, almost as if being in a hurry. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The boy’s hands fall on his hips, starting to deepen the kiss, however, they were removed just as quick as everything had happened. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Donghyuck had a subtle smirk on his face while Jaemin wasn’t understanding a single thing of what was happening. There’s Jeno with firm fists on the boy’s collar, only to push him next, again, and again. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin reacts in fear of witnessing a fight where the protagonists were the boy he shouldn’t love and the boy he last kissed. So he does the first that comes to his mind; getting in the middle. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Jeno, stop!” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The brown-haired’s eyes turn into something Jaemin can’t recognise. He gasps when for the second time in the night, his wrist is grabbed so sudden as to be taken out of the place. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No one talks until Jeno opens the door of his car and hurriedly tells him to get inside. It’s still quiet once they’re both alone with agitated heartbeats. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What the fuck was that!?” comes out of Jaemin unconsciously. He knew he was in the verge of exploding after all. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“How can you go and kiss strangers, Jaemin! What is wrong with you?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“What’s wrong with me?” he voices back, “Fuck, Jeno, what’s wrong with you? He’s not a stranger and even if he was,<strong> I</strong> let him kiss me.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The small space is filled with nothing again. Jeno with his head tilted back on the driver’s seat, Jaemin looking at the window. It’s rarely familiar, like the time they were in Jeno’s room before Jaemin confessed. He had been looking outside the window that night too, the only difference is that his heart didn’t hurt as much as now. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s impossible to know, but Jaemin thinks that they spend minutes only like that. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I’m taking you home.” Jeno breaks the silence, Jaemin doesn’t reply. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>No music in the radio. The sounds from traffic is the only thing that Jaemin can try to sumerge in. But it’s not getting easier. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It’s like his heart painfully clenches as he thinks more and more. As he sees the images of Jeno in his mind, with her, her, her, and the unforgettable words from nights ago. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>So he should have stopped himself from thinking. It’s like all has risen to his own edge, his own limits, all his heart could take. The tears that were beginning to well up his face were a sign of it. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“Nana?” Jeno calls. The view outside stops moving, evidently meaning he parked, “Do you want to talk?” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He sounds calmed now. Jaemin isn’t. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I think I’m better being away from you.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“No, Nana, don't say that.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He finally decides to turn around, not embarrassed of how teary his eyes are, nor how red his nose is, “At least that way I don’t have to pretend I’m not inlove with you.”</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jaemin has no clue of where they are. He’s still contemplating the idea of getting out and take a bus. However, there’s still a lot inside that he needs to let out. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“The first time I told you, I wasn’t drunk at all, Jeno. I remember every fucking detail.<em> That’s the day I started ruining your life, isn’t it?</em>  I’m sorry.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>There, with the increasing acune sense of pain, he knows his tears will flood his face. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“But I’m so inlove with you, it hurts me so much, so fucking much. I thought it would go away, I swear, I thought I could find someone else but the only thing I ever did was compare every boy I met to you, and you always won.” Jaemin pronounces with trembling lips, “It was so tiring. I finally give up. You’re never gonna love me the way I do, and you’re right, Jeno, I’m the one who ruins things. We could have been together as friends for a long time. <em>But it is my fault after all. You’re always right</em>.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“I love you like my best friend too, believe me,” he continues, “but I don’t think I can survive only with that. I rather lose it all with you, than lose myself and cry everynight just because I’m not Yeeun, or any other pretty girl you’ve ever liked. And I’m just sorry..<em>. I’m sorry for ruining us.</em>” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>It gets hard to breathe as he finishes speaking, weak and unsteady, he hopes it was understandable enough for Jeno. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Of all scenarios, he never expected himself doing this at who knows what time of the night. Building his own possible downhill.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>But he also didn’t expect Jeno cupping his face to wipe his tears off. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“God, Na Jaemin.” he whispers, “You <em>really</em> have no idea.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The blue-haired isn’t hopeful of the meaning of his words, he just wants to go. End with the new called worst day of his life. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>Jeno keeps cleaning his face, keeps looking at him with indescribable eyes, keeps stopping his body from reacting</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And then he leans his forehead with Jaemin’s, calm breathing hitting his nose, rosy lips centimetres apart from his wobbly ones. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>“You’d never be like them, because you’re a million times better.” </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p><em>Jaemin only wishes he isn’t dreaming.</em> If he is, he hopes nobody wakes him up. Once and for all, the pieces of his heart, the wounds in his chest, they all fade as Lee Jeno's lips crash on his. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>He holds him as if Jaemin were the most delicate thing in the world, a thin crystal that will break if you’re not careful enough. While he asks for more of him, more and more, which Jeno patiently gives. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>The taste of candy and vodka combines in their mouths, delighting him, with soft touches that makes him feel high. Oh how long had he waited for this, that he doesn’t want to separate.</p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>And with the smallest breaks they take only to look for air, it seems like neither of them want to ever distance from each other, to ever experience pulling apart or not mixing their breaths. </p>
</div><div>
  <p> </p>
</div><div>
  <p>That’s what Jeno makes him feel with every little whispered <em>“I love you" </em>in the middle of addicting kisses.</p>
</div>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i made a second part from jeno's pov a while ago on my twitter acc. it starts from the night he left jaemin waiting and then it skips to after the night they kissed! I'm posting this so late but my original plan was to correct it before posting it here :( since i don't have time I'll just leave the link! https://twitter.com/tysoftness/status/1302126531305762816?s=20</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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